Death

Watching the video on Bob’s death for the second time in less than 4 months brought you back into my mind. His death reminded me of yours. The minute he let out his last breath, I could no longer hold those thick fat bubbles from streaming down my cheeks. I miss you ever more. I could imagine you lying on your bed, your brain slowly shuts down, the nerve cells disconnecting from one another, and all that was left was your body, an empty core, lying still, waiting to let its last breath out. Was it painful? Did you experience the pain that Bob did? I would never know. The fact is you are gone, now and forever. It is time like this I wish that you were here. Then, at least, I would know what to do. You are always so wise, and strong. You surely would know, won’t you?

It is all too late now. You are gone, and you will never be back. But, you will always remain in my heart. Your strong character, your love for your family, your determination, the warmth of your hands, your smell, your big reading glasses…. You never fail to give me a peck on my cheeks before leaving your house, and so often, I would simply reply with a single “bye”, not even “I love you”. I cannot forgive myself for not saying “I love you” more often. Are you still able to hear them now? I wonder.

Most importantly, your departure reminds me of how limited our time is on earth. The person dearest to us would eventually leave us someday. Death can be our advisor, reminding us how important it is to treasure each moment in life, to love while the other party can still receive it, to forgive, and forget, and just be in the present.

“If we can’t accept the fact that we will die someday, we will never learn to live.” – Tuesdays with Morrie