Fear

This week, our special education class focuses on the DEAF. Deaf with a capital D refers to a culture who have a certain level of hearing loss and uses signing. I’m afraid of losing my hearing some day. Yesterday, while I was surfing the internet, this tone kept ringing in my ears. At that moment, I know, some of my ear hair cells just died. I know it happens all the time. However, yesterday was the longest ring that I have ever experienced. I fear for being a part of the culture someday. I am such a hypocrite. Here I am telling how much I respect the Deaf, and back to reality, I am actually afraid of being a part of them.

Tonight, I went for a fund-raising concert for this group of music therapist students who will be going to Africa in the summer to do music with the orphans. As I was watching the video of previous tours, my heart cries out for all these kids abandoned by their parents. I want to be there for them, to do music with them. On the other hand, am I capable? I am so sheltered.

I thought I was cool with the transvestite population, reality check, I am not. The other day, when I went to pick up my boots, I met one. I can’t stop looking at him/her. Checking out what he/she was wearing, what kind of shoes, the hair, the body, the voice.. The feeling was really weird. I thought I would just walk pass one without saying or feeling anything, but every time I do meet one, I can’t stop looking, or talking about it. I feel really awful.

I am afraid that believes that I thought I believe is not my true believes.